After the Affair

Peter came to see me about his relationship problems. He had had an affair a couple of years ago. It didn’t work out and he decided he wanted his wife and family. The after effects of the affair had caused him a lot of stress. He had deep regrets, he had a lot of guilt. The whole episode had impacted his work and damaged his career which he also regretted. His relationship with his wife was still strained. They lived together but the was little or no actual connection. Peter had been down for a long time but somehow wanted to improve his relationship if that was possible.

The plan from my side was to release all his emotional energy of guilt, to release his regrets about the impact on his marriage, and regrets about the impact on his career. Then he felt more relaxed and was ready to restore his relationship with his wife. Knowing that his wife wasn’t ready yet, so seeking attention and appreciation from her would not be received well yet, we focussed on helping Peter to feel greater love for himself, in order that he didn’t need to seek that affirmation in Jackie.

So we did some affirmations about feeling good. I made him say ‘ I’m a great Father’, ‘I love myself’, ‘I’m stunningly attractive to the opposite sex’. Each of these affirmations triggered all kinds of resistances within, such as ‘I’m not so great a father, I’m a bit too strict sometimes’; so we softened and flowed until he felt it was 100% true.

When working on ‘I love myself’ there was resistance ‘but its weird to say that about your self, especially as a guy’ and ‘wont I become big headed if I love myself more?’ and ‘in the services we’re programmed not to recognise our own feelings, it feels weird to say this’. We softened and flowed releasing all these energy disturbances and by the time he could accept ‘I’m a stunning guy and women love me’ his own self esteem and self love was at an all time high. He felt terrific, left on a high, feeling so fulfilled in himself he didn’t need to seek anything from Jackie, especially while she still needed lots of space and time.

Not knowing how things would work out in the long run between them, we also discussed how he might feel about the possible outcomes; if they reconciled or if they split. We cleared any negative emotions and conflicts around each scenario, even released his fears about other unfulfilled dreams he had, that he might be able to pursue them if they decided to separate. At the end he had the clarity and relaxed acceptance to be able t handle which ever way the relationship might go.

I asked if Jackie might now come to see me. Jackie and I had a few sessions too. There was a lot of hurt and anger and resentment about various episodes in the past, which we released by softening and flowing. There was also stress to release about other events in her life where she felt unsupported, eg when her Grandmother died. It also came to be apparent that they had married very young when she had fallen pregnant, and the path to motherhood at the expense of her career was a big issue for her. We softened and flowed it all. My aim only to create the clarity for her to work out what she wanted with her husband, without all the past emotions getting in the way.

In the end they decided to go their separate ways. But the decision was not from resentment hurt and anger, and carrying old wounds on into the next relationship, but from healing and from clarity about what they both wanted and what was right for them.